It’s always tough getting back to routine. A long and lazy summer vacation makes it only worse. So it was when we got back to Lagos after our Indian summer I found myself constantly at loggerheads with V. Switch off the television, no more computer games, study, study, study….
We were at war – my son and I. What made it worse was that he was on a rebellious streak. At least that’s what I hoped in my saner moments, that this was just a streak, a phase.
But sane moments were few and far between as I found myself falling into the big black hole of the self-doubt. Yeah mothering is about constantly doubting yourself.. sigh!
Why? I wondered. Why is V like this? Why can’t our lives run smoothly, ever? Why do I have to repeat myself over and over and over again even for simple routine tasks? ‘Pack your bag, pick up your toys, sit up straight, don’t slouch over your desk’… and on and on. I felt like a recorder that couldn’t stop.
For the hundredth time I wondered whether it had been a wise decision to become a SAHM. Should I get back to work, I wondered. Maybe that would teach him to be more responsible.
I would watch other kids, kids with ‘busy’ parents. They never seemed to be having issues like us. They were well-behaved, obedient.
Where did I go wrong, I wondered.
Unable to handle all of it I called up a friend back home in India, a SAHM with twins… surely she would understand, I thought.
“V and I are always fighting,” I began… and the entire story poured out.. and we connected.. across the miles over the telephone.
It’s not a fight, nor a war, said she. You are the mother and you’ve got to get his daily chores done. If that means you need to be nasty sometimes.. well so be it.
Besides, you may be a SAHM, you may always be near your kid, you may go crazy trying to make him the ‘best’ boy around. Yet it may not happen. He does have his own personality, his own intellect, his own way of perceiving things.. he’s a person too, not a blob of clay you can mould exactly as you please.
I needed to make allowances for that.
She made me see how useless comparisons were. She would know.. her twins are completely different despite the same upbringing. In fact the golden rule of parenting remains.. different things work for different people.
So, here I am, introspecting now. Come to think of it, my husband says the same stuff but sometimes coming from someone else, someone removed from the situation, puts things in better perspective.
I take a deep breath now and ready myself for a brand new beginning yet again.
More patience, more love certainly.... but I’m prepared with my time outs, television embargoes and grounding too if I need them.
The first day with the new rules has so far been pretty good.. stable. I have my fingers crossed – I’m in for the long haul.
We were at war – my son and I. What made it worse was that he was on a rebellious streak. At least that’s what I hoped in my saner moments, that this was just a streak, a phase.
But sane moments were few and far between as I found myself falling into the big black hole of the self-doubt. Yeah mothering is about constantly doubting yourself.. sigh!
Why? I wondered. Why is V like this? Why can’t our lives run smoothly, ever? Why do I have to repeat myself over and over and over again even for simple routine tasks? ‘Pack your bag, pick up your toys, sit up straight, don’t slouch over your desk’… and on and on. I felt like a recorder that couldn’t stop.
For the hundredth time I wondered whether it had been a wise decision to become a SAHM. Should I get back to work, I wondered. Maybe that would teach him to be more responsible.
I would watch other kids, kids with ‘busy’ parents. They never seemed to be having issues like us. They were well-behaved, obedient.
Where did I go wrong, I wondered.
Unable to handle all of it I called up a friend back home in India, a SAHM with twins… surely she would understand, I thought.
“V and I are always fighting,” I began… and the entire story poured out.. and we connected.. across the miles over the telephone.
It’s not a fight, nor a war, said she. You are the mother and you’ve got to get his daily chores done. If that means you need to be nasty sometimes.. well so be it.
Besides, you may be a SAHM, you may always be near your kid, you may go crazy trying to make him the ‘best’ boy around. Yet it may not happen. He does have his own personality, his own intellect, his own way of perceiving things.. he’s a person too, not a blob of clay you can mould exactly as you please.
I needed to make allowances for that.
She made me see how useless comparisons were. She would know.. her twins are completely different despite the same upbringing. In fact the golden rule of parenting remains.. different things work for different people.
So, here I am, introspecting now. Come to think of it, my husband says the same stuff but sometimes coming from someone else, someone removed from the situation, puts things in better perspective.
I take a deep breath now and ready myself for a brand new beginning yet again.
More patience, more love certainly.... but I’m prepared with my time outs, television embargoes and grounding too if I need them.
The first day with the new rules has so far been pretty good.. stable. I have my fingers crossed – I’m in for the long haul.
I agree with what yo say. You are blessed with good friends. Your friend did give a very good advise.
ReplyDeleteEven 'busy' parents find themselves in situations like these, sometimes to the effect of tearing their hair down. But as I always maintain, if things look too up close then take a step back and take a bird's eye view. Things look clearer. Good luck!